Let's try again....

I am fascinated by those who blog and their messages. I have read blogs about specific interests of mine. I have read blogs about the day to day happenings in one's life. I have laughed, cried and pondered. Health crises, politics, sports, knitting, trips to the pool - content doesn't appear to matter. I guess I have trouble believing that anyone would find my life and thoughts intriguing - even for a minute. But I guess the truth of the matter is that the blog should really be for me. A place to chronicle the events of my days, a place to reflect on people, decisions, big picture and little picture concerns...

At 44, I have spent much time this year thinking about my future and my past. Am I where I thought I'd be? Professionally, I am content. I love my life's work. I know that I make a difference in the lives of children and families everyday. The people I work with challenge me to grow, to think, to care. I am fulfilled.

Personally, the world looks much different than I ever dreamed. I would never have imagined that I would have had the strength to weather the challenges I have faced - in my marriage, with my children, financially, ... Chuck's diagnosis in 2001 changed the face of our future - my future - in the blink of an eye. I am bitter. I am angry. I grieve for us all. But mostly, I am weary. 7 years is a long time. While I am grateful for every day, I worry that I won't have the stamina and grace to face what will come - the things I know to expect and those that I don't. It is hard for me to find a sense of peace and contentment at home. There is always one more thing. And always, an overwhelming weight of responsibility and reminders that I am alone in many ways.

I'm working on myself - my health, my level of stress, my self-efficacy. A dear friend says that after 40, it is "all about me!" Sounds selfish, I know, but think about it.... For so long, I have taken care of everything and everyone - except me. I can't take care of my family without taking care of myself first. I need to find a sense of control, again. I need to find joy and contentment. I do have choices but the most important choice is ATTITUDE.