PLOM no more!

It's amazing what a glass of wine and a good night's sleep will do....I am PLOM (poor lil' ol' me) no more! The sun, the cats and I are up. While it is sticky hot already, we are expecting rain later in the day. My oldest and I are going shopping for summer reading books for Sr. AP lit and outfits for Sr. Portraits. I can't believe I have a senior in high school. I was looking at pictures yesterday in prep for creating a Sr. Scrapbook. Where has the time gone.....Lots of good memories to catalog....on to knitting....

I am a new sock junkie. It took me a while with the first pair, months actually. Dropped stitches, increased stitches, made-up stitches - I did it all. I think I actually have the formula for a basic sock committed to memory and, even, better, understand how it works. I have a pair of Jaywalkers on the needles at the moment in ONline Supersocke Cotton. I love the way the striping develops in a chevron pattern. The pattern is easy to remember and looks so much more complicated than it is. The pattern is easy to pick up and put down - I do a lot of that between the kids' comings and goings. This is my trial before the Ravelympics begin. I am entered in the Sock Put and the Scarf Stroke. I will be knitting for Team GRITS. What a hoot! My teenagers think it's just plain silly but I am planning on having a great time knitting and watching and being a part of something bigger. I have already decided on Boing! in Lanas Puras Yarns Melosa Laceweight in Desert Bloom for my scarf and am still playing with a sock pattern. I have some new yarn in my stash - Imagination, Felici, and Essential Tweed from Knit Picks.

To do for later in the week.....ask the teenager people in my family for help in loading some pictures into my empty Flicker account, onto Ravelry and here....For now, back to knitting, on to the gym and then the mall with Cary. I will keep my fingers crossed for rain.

Let's try again....

I am fascinated by those who blog and their messages. I have read blogs about specific interests of mine. I have read blogs about the day to day happenings in one's life. I have laughed, cried and pondered. Health crises, politics, sports, knitting, trips to the pool - content doesn't appear to matter. I guess I have trouble believing that anyone would find my life and thoughts intriguing - even for a minute. But I guess the truth of the matter is that the blog should really be for me. A place to chronicle the events of my days, a place to reflect on people, decisions, big picture and little picture concerns...

At 44, I have spent much time this year thinking about my future and my past. Am I where I thought I'd be? Professionally, I am content. I love my life's work. I know that I make a difference in the lives of children and families everyday. The people I work with challenge me to grow, to think, to care. I am fulfilled.

Personally, the world looks much different than I ever dreamed. I would never have imagined that I would have had the strength to weather the challenges I have faced - in my marriage, with my children, financially, ... Chuck's diagnosis in 2001 changed the face of our future - my future - in the blink of an eye. I am bitter. I am angry. I grieve for us all. But mostly, I am weary. 7 years is a long time. While I am grateful for every day, I worry that I won't have the stamina and grace to face what will come - the things I know to expect and those that I don't. It is hard for me to find a sense of peace and contentment at home. There is always one more thing. And always, an overwhelming weight of responsibility and reminders that I am alone in many ways.

I'm working on myself - my health, my level of stress, my self-efficacy. A dear friend says that after 40, it is "all about me!" Sounds selfish, I know, but think about it.... For so long, I have taken care of everything and everyone - except me. I can't take care of my family without taking care of myself first. I need to find a sense of control, again. I need to find joy and contentment. I do have choices but the most important choice is ATTITUDE.